In what ways Indian parents are destroying their children's life?
07.06.2025 13:10
How can you alwys berate, criticise and downplay or dismiss emotions in name of instilling discipline - narcissism
Biggest mistake of her, then her parents closeted ger even more thinking she would be ‘Out of their control’. Even denying her privacy, when she asked for privacy or personal space, they said, there ia no personal space, it is only in your mind.
They will never ever , next to never say sorry to you. Never accept mistake or show their vulnerability.
She said okay I will. Next , I dk if they had some self-guilt, her father came to her room next day itself, and started saying “ Okay I was wrong, r&d feipd is not very useless as I taught you before to think like. You still have good chance there , seeing your grades. Girl had spark in her eyes. He continued, “ But still why are you so adamant about pursuing only one field huh !?, Girl confused. Why don’t you dream some big, like take a pharma degree , but instead of reasearch in ot, what I think is, means I think huh, it is not a pressure, you know, why don’t you also do a diploma on banking too? Then you can do banking if research failed as I had forecasts. Girl said “ Well, I will think on this. He now promptly repeated “ Don just think, Do it, I am saying for better futire for your beengit, am I doing anything for me here , you see noe, it is fpr your futire !?, She nods thinking in mind, what a father lol. He forst says not to pressure and pressures in next speech again. She at this poing knew, she could not juggle between two completely contracdictory degrees in single life lol, but nodded positively to calm fown her haughty parenys. While her oarebts were just gaslighting. She couldn’t talk back yo them, as they would overbear even more than before seeing her so called ‘Disnhonorable replies’, she could’nt even try to talk normally to distraxt as theu would still take it disrespect, until she is on page with thwir femands.
Her zest of dping great in emtrace test and aptitude or wanting to go to best college to complete pharmacy degree or research training wilted, as she took it that she at the end has to do unwanted additional bamking course as promised to her parents and soemhow her parents would gaslight her into being a bank worker only, nk matter how hard she will try to crack pharma fiepd.
If you asl them back or aks for explanation for their u just behaviour or even cry ylur heart out to tell them how you feel unheard and invisible. Or sometimes act rebellious, they would either ;
This underlying system or ‘Cultural constructed structure of families’ was called ‘Filial peity’ (Search via google), where in, people who are consideres at more ranking , be it by age, title, gender etc. Dicate about life choices of those at below them.
How can you be the one who tell another person whether they are feeling pain or its fake feeling, whether they are ill or its delusion, or how they are feeling emotionally ?? Obviously, how can you be so divine, that you understand and feel things and sensations and right or wrong about other person’s body without you being in that body ?? So, without knowing what if you still boast rather hamper that only you know about them, their senses and what is right for them, dismissing reality and person’s wellbeing fluently and impose ‘What the situation should be pervceived like’ - Narcissism.
The best example to describe a parent in Indian culture, will be a ‘Monkey’ from Panchatantra lores, she is in water and afraid to swim underwater, picks up her baby monkey and on purpose drowns it in water below her feet, and stand on her baby’s body to reach outside water level and take a breathe and relax. That is, she makes use of child for own selfish motive, as she us ‘Fearful and coward’, not fierce to protect baby. When you are stressed, trouble others, to relieve own insecirity lol.
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How can you always mostly spund harsh, and only use kind words , when the other little one ‘Takes up your orders’ quietly, - Narcissim
Now, I will tell you an example of my few friends of how life was for them and their parent-children isuue, to tell practically about how above facts work in their culyures.
Talk aloud within spouses, that ‘Oo, just ignore, he is ungrateful, lets just pretemd he didn’t sya that yo us.
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She still got to take admission in a simpler pharma college but not the top rank one , as her demotivated and esteem-torn heart could not perform too good to bag the best instutite as collefe. But she still studied well there, as it was her desired course. And got to know that college name doea not matter if she gets junior fellowshop in university lab. She started studying to crack that entrace and interview exams, but soon after graduation, when the forms to apply fpr junior fellowship were distributed, her parents saw it in her college handbag and casually said , “ So, it came out finally, but what use for you, you are doing banking next now:” isn’t it princess!?” Her ‘Wings ‘ that were somehow sprouting again, got cut again. In between, all.her stressful life pahses, she had one time, had a love fleeting towards her male best friend in her junior college or highschool, and her parents had discovered her ‘Horoscope matching game paper’ where she matched her zodiacs with his on game chits. And they had questioned her , but she stood freesed in shock and they snatched her phone, starved her and slapped her and what not. From that onwards she was in depression and her parents increased their survelillance on her and this event made them even more narc to force her ‘Go in their set path’ i.e. banking only. Then when she was 19 or 20 n when she was finally applying for diploma bank amd insurance somehow, and life was flowing, all of a sudden, her father one day came again to have a ‘Talk’ , and said ‘In our times, we were never asked about our expectations for a groom or bride in arranged marriages , instead one day suddebly our parents would register our names in marriage bureu amd write their own choice exoectations in forms for me. But I have decided to ask you, so I would tell and suggest you what to look for in a guy during seeing a man for a noble arranged marriage, and then you also tepl your expectations of what type of groom you like. If you start preparing for marriage from now only, it wipp be easier for you to navigate this all , when we will register your name in marriage bureaus in around age 25, so think of qualities you want to see in futire groom okay !” Their ancestors did register their names for arramged ameruage to a tradtuonal matchamking bureau, without informing them or ask8ng their chouces, while her father was also not ‘Asking her choice’ , but he was as an only differemce from his amcestors, ‘Informing what he is gonna plan for her futire and do with her life, and how she has to be just mutely and submissively preparing for same in his demands”. Her eyes again surprised but with fear. He continued, “ and yes, Clise the door , close it, your aunts are here, theyvshould not know the past scandal you dare did. She scarily closed and viewed him with a gaze of doubts. He said, “ You are . Whore ! In our era, we were good children of our parents, and jever did such a filthy and scandulous things like you now era people do ever lol, we neevr did this ‘Dirty scandals called love affair and all okay ! Remember, tbos love, affair, amor, love story, dating all are western concepts of those sex-filled filthy family-unfriendly people, not our good old traditional manners okay ! And I warn you that you as our daughter, a noble man amd woman’s daughter do not need to roam or amor up with a boy ever in life. Remember, love martiages and all is a delusion amd just a thrill, and has high divorce rates (I haven’t even seen many people who marry for love here as moat are arramged marriages, not even mich divorce rates either as even wives who face domestic violences stay submsisively with hubbies here, don’y know who gibe them such wrong records), if I ever see you with a guy again as you did last time in junior college era, then I won’t forgive it ever. She struggling with her life with witnessing her dreams already shattered as she had to join a bank, to please her parents, and now they were deciding when , how and with whom to breed her, while doing a ‘Drama’ of ‘Giving her a chance to speak what superfacial traits she wants to write in form for her future groom, while she just being . Puppet doing whatever they hamper her. She already had a tension cos she had now ‘hungry for her forbidden dreams’, decided to sneakily apply for entrace inetrbirw of research junior fellowship programme in her colelege, while going to bank job daily in front of parents. So, her life was hectic and dangerous as she had now a double work to study foe her fellwoship entraces secretly to make sure this time no family member catch her , work in a bank everyday and receive scoldings of manager there and chase targets, and still keep it secretive. And in all tgis, now her parents were pushing her to think of expectations of future groom for an arranged marriage to somebody she may not know, while she is still unsure about own life pyrpose ! She was really wilted, tired and exhausted of such . Life, once a very genius minded, studious plus bubbly playful childish and grinny girl , and now her life was about things she never thought would occur to her. And then she still got less salary at bank job than her parents expectations, of whuch her mother started nagging and verbally character shaming her only. According to the mother, she was unfit to even do some Commerce related banking job, but as women are submisisve to husband, she thought maybe my hisband can decide better for a daughter. Now, that husband’s choice failed, she started imposing hers on my friend, “ I knew, you dumb daughter, you are good for nothing, hopeless girl. Your dad had fake confidence that you would excel in bank sector , but I knew this is not your job. Never listen to your dad, instead do things ‘MY WAY’, Now onwards you will do what i want, then something hood will happen to you. We also need money now after your daddy’s retirement. Who will bring it ? You only as elder child right? So, do as I tell. I have noticed a digital marketing workshop for ‘Homely women” in xyz place, I suggest you that u call them , enquire and apply , I will comvince your dad, no needbto be afraid of him, i will talk to him You go and attend and get job in marketing. Understood? And from tomorrow, come and I will teach you all whhole process of how to cook good and proper cultural traditional food for many guests simultaneously, if not good job at peast become a good woman, so that we can marry you off!”
People often get confitioned to be selfish, overbearing and harsh to others in order to get fone from them what they could not do on their own. People hide lotsvof secrets, lie a lot, and protect traditional beliefs by lying and hiding some things that were not matching old world belife.
How can you never apologise but the other party have to apologise apways, even for nothing - Narcissism
Why am I always so tired, no matter how much I sleep?
What if you are the one defining other person in front of others, so that others are brainwahsed to view that person or that person’s experiences not like they really are, but through your manipulated definitions about that person?- You are narcissistic.
But also pose as harmonous and cool family to others, due to another teaching as ‘Keep you family conflicts inside your home and do not bring it outside brink of home and discuss outside to bring shame to families’!.
5. A married new mother had a 2 months old infant at house. She was living with her husband and in laws. She had searched on net that newborn infants need to be breastfeed every 2 hours. She decided to nurture her son to fullest. She would take a time aside to ‘Enjoy’ bonding with child by sharing her bresst to him, buy only after one or three days of this routine, her in laws started shaming her for it. “ Stupud, you do not need to alays stick ur baby to your chest, give him some space. Also, baby does not meed to see your chest all the time. Also, whenever baby cries for milk, deliberately delay nursing him, and do not offer to nurse immediately, let baby become independant, instead pay attention to take care of your husband’s needs and demands, he needs coffee, he needs you to keeo his files on proper drawers, he needs you to cook meals. Also, we need you to, lol, who will wash all the clothes, the graesy floor?, and and, wait, close the door a bit, don’t you have shame as a woman !? , who.will wash your dirty, filthy blood stained undies? Yesterday, when you had kept one of your chaddi, waiting for a wash in bathroom and just unexoalinably went to potty, your husband had gone to wash bathroom and ‘Saw’ your blood stained undies. How gross!!! , You should not poop and breastfeed, 24/7 sticking to baby, is not maintaining your husbnad’s comfort your priority?, you should wash your bloody undies and do house chores first amd maintain husband’s mood, baby will remain alone for some time, do you do ‘drama of nursing every 2 orv4 hours’ to escape home based work?. ‘Sorry mom (Mother in paw is called mom there), I get sudden potty urges, idk why, after childbirth, you may know right?, , Mil : Shut up, a eoman had to keep asude her needs and see what he rfamily needs, you and baby can wait., The woman understood, why her in laws were shaming had ‘Selfsih demands’, but she hqd to submit afterall. She may internalide out of helplessness and put burden on her chipf in future, due to unresolved tarumas.
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What if you suffocate a person by acting ‘bitchy’ , and ‘Annoying’ rather passive abusive, if the other person does a slightest act different than what you demand. And totally close all avenues or paths to reach that way which other person wants to go to, and then when other person becomes depressed, you offer your ‘Hidden intentional demands’ as a remedy to it, or as a demand though impose it on person saying their ‘Choice path’ turned out wrong as they could not accomplish it, (when you only secretly closed the path) and make them go on your path and carry your demands and your insecurities as your slave or disciple.??? - Narcissist
She was now angry in mind, thinking ‘Woww mom, you using words ‘Like go do it, Afraid of dad, I will talk to him, etc’. For a random new Course which is again of your demands and i never want yo do. Are you mad , forcing me to jump from one to next to next dumb and titally unrelated coursee and if i say Tgis idea is dumb, you would again criticise me that i disrespct your authority over my life’s path???
Or scold you back and act more narcissitic ever.
Or accuse you of disrespect
‘Filial peity’ and ‘Conforming to roles that work best to preserve traditional marriage role’ and marriage system is what defines how individuals are brought up there. In traditional marriage role, women were considered to just carry pregmamcy for a man, i.e. woman is not pregnamt because she wants to, it was seen as her submission to a husband, and marriage reqyirement for woman to be chosen as a wife was, she be timid, less spoken , less ambitious or least educated or eduacted only in realms of religious or other nroms, etc. So , you see even today, there, the parents often push daughters to get a degree or degrees to get them a rich groom, ratger than for her own progress in her personal self, while try to keep her indoors, introverted and police her more to be repressed lady so that she does not become a confidemt lady, something not fitting a marriage norm. They can do unexplainable things like force marrying a man who is suicidal, to cure his ‘Suicidal illness or hyateria’ through marriage system.
4. A married man welcomed his baby daughter after a year since his arranged marriafe. He wanted to always keep his baby girl’s name after . Favorite musician Indila. But, the whole big family , including hisbparents, his wife’s parents , etc. Started searching names and consulting fortune teller to suggest, and finally his mother and aunsts fixed name for girl, not him. He for his own mental satisfaction would keep her nickname as indila only for home pen name. Like a marrued man had no autonomy to decide his daughter’s name. He might internalise this lack of autonomy and impose his unsatified desires on daughter in future to calm his opressed minds.
How can you be always perfect, only your ways of approaching things in life be 100% pure and perfect, and you always flawless, like a washed grain of rice, and never ever even make an ignorant error?- Narcissism
, How can you be never wrong or never do any mistake , never be less -informed and be ‘All-knowing’ ? - Narcissitic
Filial peity of Indian family rankingd system had heirarchies like, elders dictate direction of futire for younger ones, husband for wife, man for woman and kids, father for children and his own wife, brother for sister, son in law is superior to his wife’s parents i.e. his in laws, daughter in law is submisisve and subserviant to her in laws and her groom, boy is more valuable than a girl child, wife over lover or mistresses or ‘that type of workers’, man over his slaves or servants, woman over maid, husband’s siblings over wife’s siblings, husband’s family over wife’s , arranged marriages done by elder’s choices influemce and permission over self-chosen marriages out of love, etc.
2. Second story - This about her brother, her brother was given much more ‘Free movements’ that fall under gender norms, eg. Not forved to stay indoors or pressured to be exyroverted, He could go to trips with friends, or go anywhere he wants to when his mood is, etc. But, out of ‘Norms’, he was totally under the parent’s surveillance and control. According to norms, he would take care of his family and lineage, so even he needs to be in parental control, so that parents could get the norms done as they wish. He was first pushed by his parents to pursue engineering when he had genuinely begged them not to send him there, (same brainwashing technique used by them for the girl ), which he couldn’t tolerate to study physics and maths rated to science , so he was told to do mba finance by his uncle, and he did, still jobless, then again told by neighbor to do marleting mba, so his parents told him to get dual degree, then he got job, then parents were at least temporarily calmer. He fell for a girl classmate in his engg college, who was the only one who showed him moral emotional support during his tensed years. But his one mistake, after being forced by his parents to enngg cpurse, he was a bit openly rebellious, thus kept a selfie with her together where they were goofy and smiling, on his whatsapp, wishing her birthday as a ‘Friend’ to be on safe sides. His parents shamed him the hell out of him, and told him to remove that selfie. After that, they would daily call one of his gang’s male friend, constantly asking about whether he is reached college, what he does in canteen break, when college was finsihed, where he is after end of college lecs, is he with some female , etc. His firend said, he was scared but tired to answer these bombarded queries daily during college working days, until the brother had moved to mba college, as he could not study engg as he had no grasping capacity to tolerate physics theories. The mother gaslighted her husband, daily to ‘Keep watch’ on his son’s suspected love affair in college as one day he went unexplained at station to give umbrella to a girp who he said is stranded in heavy cloudburst amd needs help. His lofe became miserable due to daily rants to block this girl forever. His mother threatened him with even unexpectated doubts : “ Listen, why are you roaming hands in hands with opposite gender, you are not the one who should be choosing a girp, marriages happen when whole family sepects . Oo, now I see, what is your shrewd mentality son !, You think you would impregmate her, and bring her on our head as a ‘responsibilty’ saying she is pregmamt and force us to accept her , an unknown blooded dirtbag girl??? Only we will sepect your future bride, remember, okay, leave this shamless girl. He was shocked, baffped, confused, all together as “ Where on earth, they start from questioning hsi friend to suspecting they hace seggual affair, out of nowhere , with no proofs accusing him, just by seeing a selfie or him helping her with an umbrella sharing, when he just had a crush and was shy to tell her was what was real stpry. This made him stressed even more and he never dared to tell his feelings to her lol. Later in mba college, fortunately he again this time had a serious bonding with a female student with whom he understood their ‘Life views were similar. But, he never dared to tell about her to his parents , cks he knew they would hut him and do his arranged marriage to somebody they know. And the girl also did not dare show her parents who she likes, and they both accepted ‘Parental authority to marry somebody they sepect and are fine with’, because if the spouse turns out unfit, then they could blame their parents and not have to suffer thrpugh guilt of taking respinsibility of faolures.
3. Third story is not about marriage decsions, career goals or anything major but daily decision making. A girl had Christmas carol singing competition at her convent school. And was told to wear colorfup civil dresses instead of uniform by teacher. The girl wore a good cherry pink ‘Ankle length ‘ gown, [I specified ankle length, cos in traditional countries, people do have problems with fenale bodies], she made a hair puff style which was trendy for young girls then, and left her other hair open, with ribbons at back. when she came out of bedroom to take her idcard after she was dressed up, her mother saw and stopped her way, “ What is this ugly?” She yelled, “ How many times shoyld I tell you, I don’t like when you leave your hair open’, Godammn bitch, go braid yoiur hair properly by oiling ‘. But mom, this style sits well with christmas theme not braids lol. And also ribbons would look good only in open hairstyle. “ Did I say, wear ribbons huh? Using your own brain ! Idiot! Come here , remive those comic snake like ribbons, and let me braud your hair as you do each day at school.’, but ehy mom, you force me to wear only brauds, whope my life, at least let me have hair open for a competition, my ohotos wipl be clicked if I won. “ Shut up, wait I wipl comain to your dad’. Then her mother started to ‘Cry’, show her husband how daughter was disresoectfully ignoring mother’s authority ‘To prepare, and present daughter’, she cried on ‘How ungrateful the daughter was for not letting her mom decide her hairstyle, she said she won’t cook food that day at home and that she is not only ‘Maid’ of house to be used for food, and laundry ir to wash her daughter’s uniform, if she has no ‘Say’ in things related to her daughter, etc. Her father also became sad seeing wufe’s ‘Problems’, and pressured daughter to do what her mom liks. Daughter, could never undertstand , how come ‘Her mom’s daily trouboes which are rooted in social structure and norms’ have to do with her hairstyle or happiness?. Next, her mom exercised such controlling behavior to daughter every now and then, till she got married. Eg. Not letting her 20 year old daughter use a ‘Dry talc powder’ , even when the daughter was doing it to keep her groin area, and armpits dry and itch-free. The daughter was compelled to change whole top to bottom dresses ve it tshirt and jeans or a slawar kurti or saree, all in wet floored bathroom itself, after bathing and the bathroom would be damp due to steam and wet floor her clothes would get wet at bottom while she had to wear underwear on still damp or moit groin. Even in period messy days. While her mom sometimes changed dress or draped saree in kitchen or living room by closing curtains, and on asking said to her daughter, the ‘Difference’ is because she is married woman and doing this in husband’s house, her husband can see her body. While daughter has to reserve her body for a future man until marraife. The dailughter got yeast rashes each day at tgighs and perineal area, due to this, which she had to got to doctor daily. Doctor would just tell ointements, but who knew she had to apply ointment only within damp bathrooms after bath on damp groins , inviting more rashes. Her medical bills rising, but family not having ‘Common sense’ or maybe having bit their orthdoxy not allowing healthy actions to be done lol.But fum fact an adult woman had no ‘Autonomy’ over maintaining her intimate parts hygiene or deciding to appply powder to dry out wet pricates.
How can you lie always , fool alwyas but expect the other person to always be honest tell truths and never hude a single thing from them - Narcissim
Why do people say "tall, dark, and handsome" when they actually mean "tall, white, and handsome"?
Or use it against you
I had a female bff who I knew from her young age. When she was kg age, her parents took her to skii, horse riding to bringing her favprite food, etc. They were best parents in her eyes for her, as she mentally acceoted they treat her ‘Same ‘ as her brother. But things soon started to change as she navigated about behaviours she perceived normal but were not as she grows up. She was told by her parents that other kids parents often ‘Hamper’ their own choice career on their kids, but that they as parent would allow her to choose her choice dreams on her own. She increasingly started getting inclined to science , body anatomy and STEM lessons, and used to get very pleased to spend hours reading books like anatomy explained for kids, epidemiology, medicinal reasearch, etc. She once, in 6th grade, wqs having an ‘Flower oil massage on scalp from mother’, when she affectionately told her mom, she wanted to become a doctor, a dictor of babies. Her mother dismissed her by saying this is not your age to think this all, and also I do not think you have any mental capacity to be a doctor, I don’t want you to do yhat in lives. No, explanation,maybe her mother had insecurities but she straightaway downplayed daughter’s dreams. Years, later, the daughter conducted own reasearch and said maturely, Oohh anatomy field was always on my dictionary and I now know I want to go in r&d field not a doctor, I want to study hers immunity, epidemics, pandemic, etc. I woul work for pahrma institute here. Her parents, now, did not ‘CLEARLY DENY HER CHOICE’- but that day onward, each day they would nag behind her on how the r and d area is corrupt and useless, and that scientists don’t get paid enough, and reasearches never happen good in India, but abriad have more good institutes and they won’t let her go far away from them, who will marry her there, etc. The father startedinfluemcing and redirecting her paty by manipulating her, saying oo I know this field is nice, but how about you consider my option, i.e. banking and islnsurance, a safer sude to live with, 100% job guarantee plus men like girls in that field as wives, youbwould today feel angry about my mentality but tommorrow thank me as Whatever a father does is for ‘SAFETY OF DAUGHTER’S CAREER AND LIFE’, and remember you cannot escape marriage so you have to align economic career way to it too right. She was in 10 std at that time She didn’t change her instincts of studying research , then they became even more nagging and passive aggressive to make her know ‘Value of their way of career’, by venting out anger on her through small small things in daily trivial things in house, eg. Raising eyes when she brew coffee and picking ‘Unmecessary flaws’ like why can’t you drink what we also like thqt is tea, always going against us?, Also, coffee beans are bad for your inner health as it can make your bones brittle. Criticising her whenever she goes to buy pen, pencil or books or whatever such in nearby supermarket, by stupid obstacles like “ Why are you looking like a maid?, Ehy are you wearing this dress ?, Why are you not wearing the pant I gave you?, etc. To witholding love, they were subconciously pressurising her to be on page with their expectations of her. Finally, when she still didn’t understand why parents are being like that, because normally also they used to criticize her for even small small things like clothes, eating habits, timetable, etc. But this time it was more clear. They at last scolded her directly, ‘How long should we keep nagging behind you to make you understand that reasearch is not what you would suceed in? We as. Elders know what is good for you since we have seen more rainfalls (more experienced) than you and gave you birth so only we know what will make you settle down in your life. Why you don’t simply accept this fact ! Do you never want to give us some peace ?
This is how, A couple in India is culturally conditioned to behave with their child. That is, strong heirarchies and power imbalamce structures control parent-child relationship rather than two way communication or mutual respect, the latter being seen as ‘Threat or too much freedom or something incorrect for a parent’s approach to kid’ by parent or child. But, overall, the age-related and gender related heirarchies and alloted roles or power dynamics exist as a blindly accepted ‘Way of life’ in India, where the more the age, more you get to narcissistically dicate , control and influence those who are lower in ages than your age. Other factors that decide your superiority within family are marital status eg. Unmarried,infertile, divorcee or widowed people are given emotional distance, ignorant to less importance or constant ‘Schooling’ and policing both in festive rituals as well as modern life family gatherings and all , fulfilling duties of ‘Traditional constructed ‘Ritualistic stages of life’ and social marriage roles eg. [Having kids after an arranged marriage within a year as a duty or ritual for married couple and being submissive, cooking expert, less smart, no participation in romance or jokes on own but respond when man does it, tender, childish and forgiving as a role for a woman to be safe from criticism and high on heirarchy or respect reception in family) , gender of person, family ‘Relational title’ eg. Son in law is more respectable in Indian families and seen as god as he takes up a burden of feeding woman from her family or like a brother is seen more as a moral support than sister to their parent, ‘Shown’ financial status of a man and his family and how much culture or tradition-bound and faithful you are, esp. More seriously seen when you are Women n girl.
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Now, answer the following